Swimming in Molten…Lava

Many of us have the same question: how did I get here? And I don’t just mean on Lavalife. I mean to this stage in life when you are single, again, and trying to figure out what comes next. Weren’t we supposed to have that figured out when we were younger?

(I have a confession to make. I am one those girls who stuck a white skirt on her head, like a wedding veil, when I was about eight. I would gaze at my loveliness in the mirror. I can’t remember if I pretended to parade down an aisle, but I wouldn’t it put it past myself. I had a bad case of bride fantasy. I think I probably practiced my smooching on the mirror. Strike that. I did practice my smooching on the mirror….)

Anyhoo, the point is, life can a bit like a bad lover at times. It promises you lots, and can disappoint you, even when you are doing all the right things, or think you are. Still, life can swoop back to charm and delight you with a bouquet of flowers in its hand, so you should always be ready.

Like my friend, a 50-something sex kitten, who advises that a woman of a certain age should always have her nails done, her hair nice and her delta waxed. “You never know when love will happen,” she tells me, over chardonnay and considerable cleavage.

I kow you’re wondering, so let me give you a bit of background: I was married at a young age – 23.  I thought I had it all. And for many years, I did have everything I wanted. Kids, now three lovely people. A nice house, worthy of a shelter magazine spread. The handsome husband. Holidays. Interesting work. And then, well, along came divorce. And now, well, I have a queen sized bed with nice sheets and only my healthy imagination for company. ( I am a writer.) The family dog died a few years ago. (And I am not inclined to replace him.) The kids have left the nest – for the time being, anyway. They still drop in for pitstops of unconditional love – and a bowl of spaghetti.

All of which brings me here, swimming in the molten of profiles on a dating site. Geez, you can really surf through this stuff, and it’s kinda fun.

Okay, another confession. I have never done this before – gone online for dates, I mean. But so far, if I could give a few pointers to the men out there:

1) Learn to spell. I know it may seem like one of those picky things women obsess about – but hey, if you can’t spell, you probably don’t brush your teeth. It’s semantic hygeine.

2) Don’t tell me that you are not like other men who are only interested in my body. If you’re talking about bodies, you’re interested in them. And that’s fine. I am, too. Just don’t pretend you’re not, okay? Bells of suspicion start ringing…(hey, that could be a lyric to a song, don’t you think? “Bells of suspicion start ringing/Already I can feel his hands clinging….)

3) Be poetic. Yes, it’s a cliche, but women like this. Vague and poetic are kinda good. Too many people think women need to be mysterious. News flash!! Men do, too!!

4) Write about your life in your profile. It’s amazing how those pictures of a person ensconsed in his life, whether it be travel or with his kids or his motorbike or his boat, make him real, somehow. We are all at a point in life – midlife, baby – where we have a rich past, not all of it happy, of course, but it’s ours, and you should share some of it. I don’t think that women are looking at this point for just good looks. We know that doesn’t add up to much if what’s underneath isn’t so pretty.

5) Use your real name as soon as possible. I may be wrong about this – maybe some women like to maintain the mask – but listen, there’s only so long I can communicate with Im4U with a straight face. I would be happier, and perhaps more communicative, if you revealed yourself as Peter.

Well, that’s it – for today. Stay tuned, though.

Here’s to navigating the molten of our lives.