where the focus is

I had a little revelation the other night when I was speaking to a girlfriend of mine about the men in our lives.

She is struggling over whether she wants to continue with a relationship. She met a guy in the summer online, and they had a great four months, but she is now wondering about how (and if) to continue. Maybe the hormone high has worn off a bit. Or maybe, given the financial stress we are all under with the stock market crashing and the economy slowing down, she has a lot on her mind. When you are worried about where you are headed financially, you can call a lot of other things into question.

We talked about how her relationship was taking up a lot of her worry time. (We settled on how she should just be in the moment with him, and not let the other stresses in her life affect how she feels about him. He is not pressuring her to move in or anything like that, so why not just enjoy what they have?)

I, too, find my myself a bit preoccupied with the men thing. Sir Likealot has sort of faded a bit, and I don’t know why. The last time I saw him (a week ago), we had a really fun time. We talked easily, as we always do.  But it felt more like friends meeting than a date. I can’t quite put my finger on why. (Well, going dutch over dinner was one clue.) And there were other little things. Like, he didn’t walk me to my car, and I was parked in a dark parking lot down the street. I said nothing, but still, it would have been nice for him to offer.  We hugged and kissed on the cheek as we parted. He made a light-hearted suggestion of what we might do the next time – which would be our fourth get-together. But I haven’t heard from him since. And I am not about to email him. I figure he should take the initiative. I have been friendly and clear about my interest in him.

But is this the “slow plan” I have said – not to him, but to myself – that I want? The idea that a man is first a friend, so we can both get to know each other, without pressure? And if it is, and that’s what I want, then why do I feel miffed?

I was telling my girlfriend some of this, and she put in her two cents worth – basically, it’s not happening, Gracie, so get over it. He is not interested.

And that’s when my little revelation came. I decided that I am simply going to banish all thought of this girly chatter from my mind about men. I have my work. I love my work. I have almost more on my plate than I can handle. So why do I let myself get all tied up in knots about men?

I just want them – men and their energy and affection and curiosity – to come to me, like sunshine. I put out the feelers – online, in conversation, at gatherings – but I am not going to chase them. Let them do that. And that way, I can use my energy for the things that are right here before me, needing me – my work and my friends and myself. I have found that the time I have now – as an empty-nester – to focus my attention on myself to be a real luxury. I go to the gym now more than ever before – I love that flush through the body that a workout brings. I think more carefully about what I eat. When you are feeding three children, you buy fillers, often, not perfect pieces of fish. Now, I eat perfect pieces of fish.

I ran into a friend the other day, an older man, who is single. I was telling him about my struggles trying to figure out the signs and signals from men in the dating world. He just looked at me, and said, “I gave up on that years ago – getting upset about it, I mean. It’s like smoking a cigar,” he added apropos of nothing. “Just let it all go up in smoke. When I smoke a cigar, I am not sure I am doing anything. I am not sure I am even thinking. I am just sitting there, meditating in a way, not letting anything bother me.”

And that, I thought, was perfect advice. Don’t let it bother you. Let it pass.

And meanwhile, I will use my mind for myself – to better myself, to get myself to the gym, to look after my health, to push my career a notch higher, to do the things I have always wanted to do, but have been too busy to try. Then, when a man comes along, and it turns into romance – wonderful.

But until he does, I am not going to worry my pretty little head about it.