Menopausal sex over dinner

I just love it when men confess.

I was at a swanky dinner the other night, sitting with some people I knew, and some I didn’t. We were talking about this and that, work, children, the economy and the plight of fund-raising initiatives at the moment, as organizations try to suck whatever money there is into their coffers. Not an easy task, when the whole population seems to be in panic mode.

Anyway, in the midst of all this, the man next to me started talking about his marriage and his wife. They had been married a long time and now their kids are grown. I really don’t know how it came up, but suddenly we were on the subject of sex.

I mean, really. Are the words, “please tell me all”  written on my forehead?

He told me that most of the men he knows – and he is in his fifties – are complaining that their wives no longer want any sex.

“It’s menopause,” he said. “The women say sex is actually painful.” And he sort of shrugged. He didn’t go on to tell me about his sex life with his wife, but I could tell from the way he looked, and the tone of his voice, that things weren’t all that ducky on the home front.

“Really?” your plucky correspondent asked, sounding a bit shocked.

“Yeah,” he offered. “It’s a real problem.”

I felt like saying, “Try some lubricant, buddy,” but as this was polite company, I decided to just smile with deep understanding into my strawberry souffle.

Still, menopausal women not wanting sex? I haven’t done an official survey, so this is just anecdotal, but from the women I know who are approaching menopause, they can’t get enough sex. It’s as if the womb, as it begins to go dark, wants to have one last chance to perform its function, and even though some of the remaining eggs are a bit scrambled, and less than perfect, man, they urge you to do what you need to do to get pregnant.

Maybe all that changes when menopause actually arrives, and you sort of shrivel up with the lack of estrogen. But if you read people like Gail Sheehy, who wrote the book, Sex and the Seasoned Woman, you would believe that midlife women are out there, scooping up as much lovin’ as they can. After all, when we are older, women are much freer sexually. We have less hang-ups, and we fully inhabit our bodies in ways we did not when in our twenties. We know all the little buttons to push, and levers to crank, to get it to give us the pleasure we deserve, and we have no reservations about telling the operator of the moment, who ever he is, young or old, husband or lover, how to use it.

There. I feel so much better for getting that off my cleavage.

While I am on the subject, it might be worth noting that on Saturday, December 6 at 7pm ET, CTV is airing a documentary, Pharma Sutra, about the multi-billion dollar race to produce the next “female Viagra.” The filmmakers, Marion Gruner and Robin Benger, meet the doctors, critics, pharmaceutical reps and of course, some women, who debate the merit of treating low libido.

Interestingly, in 1999, the Journal of the American Medical Association published a report that stated that 43% of women suffered from Female Sexual Dysfunction – or FSD, as it’s known. Some critics opposed the notion of labeling a woman’s sexual problem as a “disease.” It only invites companies to invent a cure, at a great windfall to their profits.

Hey, it’s like I’m just not in the mood, okay? And what is normal? Also, as we age, is sexual drive not supposed to decrease? Isn’t that just a normal biological change?

Still, all those questions aside, it is safe to say that when sexual communication disappears between a couple, the relationship can suffer. So why not get a little chemical boost, as my dinner companion and his friends clearly think would help.

The documentary follows three women who are thinking about taking this drug: a 50-year old empty nester, a grandma battling a depleted libido who wants to maintain her youth and a mother in her 40s looking to revive her marriage.

Should be interesting. And next time I find myself talking about sex with a stranger, I might just suggest his wife give it a try.