Wanted: Advice from Men

Okay, so here’s the situation. And I think only men – and maybe some experienced-in-dating women – can help.

I meet this guy. Or rather, he spies me from across a room at a party, and emails me the next day, having asked the hostess for my address. He wonders if I would like to go for a drink with him.

Sure, I reply. We have some mutual friends in common, and in his email, he mentions that years ago, we were introduced. I had not remembered, but never mind. He is divorced – has been for a number of years – and has three grown children. Handsome guy. Polite. Has a job. All the checks get checked, in other words.

We meet, and it is fun. Sort of sparkly is how I like to describe it. We talk and laugh about this and that. Great eye contact. I have a dinner go to, so after two hours, we part ways. He is very gracious; picks up the bill, without hesitation; and sends me on my way, helping me with my coat, and gives me a kiss on each cheek. Great. I am thinking this might be a fun whatever-it-will-be. (I have come, at this point in my dating life, to be open and unhampered by expectations.)

The next day, he emails, and suggests we meet again. He enjoyed talking to me, he says; the time just flew by. He fixes a date, which is about three weeks away, because he has to go out of town on business.

No problem, I reply. The day nears, and he emails to say he has to change it as something has come up with his business.

Sure, I say. And so we fix another time. As we get closer to that date, he calls this time – which is nice – to say again, he has to change it. I laugh and remain easy about it. I am busy, too. And certainly I understand about business obligations. We settle upon another day. He makes it clear that it’s a 5:30 to 7 thing. Drinks, in other words.

We meet. Very nice place. He orders a glass of wine for each of us, after asking me what kind of wine I like. We resume our fun banter about life, work, kids. And then, half an hour into the conversation, he reaches into his pocket for his Blackberry. “Oh,” he says. “Right.” The Blackberry was on vibrator to remind him of an impending appointment.

“You have to be somewhere?” I ask gently.

“Dinner with my mother,” he replies. “But it’s okay, I don’t have to go yet.” He has to pick her up at 7pm.

Now, I am slightly miffed. Not that I was expecting anything. He did say drinks. I just thought that after all the hullabaloo about finding a date that worked for both of us, he wouldn’t be so quick to high tail it out of there. Plus, the Blackberry buzzing was rude, I thought. It was as though he wanted to signal to me that he wasn’t staying. And hey! Message received! It’s pretty clear!

Look, if he is really interested in getting to know me, well, that takes a little more genuine talking than a one-hour exchange.

He waves off another glass of wine, as I do.

And when he gets up to go, I offer to pick up the tab. “My turn,” I say lightly. He thanks me, and asks for a hug. (In his emails, he has been signing off with “hugs” which I find a bit weird, as I don’t really know him, but hey, like I said, I am open.) Another kiss on the cheek.

“Tell me when you would like to do it again,” he says, before he leaves.

“Well, it’s a busy time,” I reply. Which is true. “I’m not sure where I will be in the next little while. Traveling, you know.”

The next day, he emails to say how much he enjoys our little chats, as he puts it. Then he suggests another date, three weeks away.

My reply? Well, I decide to suspend judgment, to follow my intention to be light and breezy. That would be nice, I write, but maybe he would like to have dinner, and perhaps he would like to come to my house, as I enjoy cooking. (Listen, I am a mature woman. I can express what I feel.)

His reply? Sure, he would love that. But it would have to be on another date. Because on the day he initially suggested, he had to be at a party at 7pm.

I say okay. Come for dinner on that date then.We make those arrangements.

Later that night, I think about the situation and regret my decision.

What man would make a date – at this point, our third – three weeks away and deliberately choose a night when he has another obligation at 7pm? Even if he did agree to come for dinner on the day I suggested, I couldn’t get over the fact that he was initially calculating when to meet me next – on a day that would give him an excuse to get out of there again, after one glass of wine and “a hug.”  Believe me, I get the need for an exit strategy. I have done that myself.

But the third time? I felt that I was being slotted into his calendar. I wanted to write to him and say, “Listen, buddy, I think you’re nice, but I don’t have designs on you or anything, so why not just be friends.”

I don’t understand it from a male point of view. Does he just not want to pay for dinner? Does he not want to give the women he sees for “drinks” any ideas? Is this his version of playing the field? Does he think I am stupid?

Honestly, even a friend wouldn’t act like he did – making deliberate dates for only an hour.

So, what did I do? I emailed him that night to say that the next few weeks are fraught – which they are (a convenient excuse…) -  and that I hope he would forgive me if I canceled the dinner arrangements at my house. Perhaps we will meet up again. I made no promise to be in touch, to call. Nada.

It was my most polite brushoff. The next day, he emailed to say he understood, and that he looks forward to seeing me in the future.

Please. Help me decode this. Am I being too difficult? What is he trying to achieve? About two years ago, a similar thing happened with a man who had never been married. He met me at a party. He emailed to ask me out. We went out for three dates, and each time, he pushed off after an hour, claiming  some prior obligation.

Honestly, what do these guys think? That women are so desperate, they will jump their bones if they ask them to have dinner with them? Frankly, I feel like telling them that they are not that interesting, so stop worrying.

I think it has something to do with these men thinking that they are the most eligible bachelors, and this is their game-playing dating strategy.

My response? Work it on someone else, buddy. I’m not playing.