The over-booked dater

Well, thanks so much, all of you who helped me with insight on the man I now call Mr.Datebook. He’s the guy who always seemed to have something “to go to” after he met me for drinks. He practically clocked the encounter, checking his watch after talking to me for an hour and a half. Twice this happened, and then he asked me for a third time. Would like to have one of our “mini-reviews of life” over drinks, in about two weeks time?  Initially I agreed, and then thought better of it. He’s booking me two weeks ahead of time for a drink for an hour and a half? On the third date? I don’t think so. Dinner was in order, if you ask me, and he should have been the one to ask!

Your assessments were so interesting. One person said he might be trying to alleviate depression about being lonely, so he overbooks his evenings. Could be, I thought. But the guy doesn’t seem like the depressed type. He has the look of a player, I have to say. Very smooth. Good-looking. Knows his way around a wine list.

Someone asked if he gave me his cell number, as it struck him that he could be dating someone else and/or still has a wife in the wings, and that he was scheduling dates for when this other woman in his life was unavailable – or out of town. That’s how another reader put it – I am “filler.” (And this reader has the grace to preface his observation by saying, “Sorry to tell you…” Hey, there are gentlemen out there!!)

Anyway, that all got me thinking about a woman I know, single and divorced and very attractive, who was dating for a few years before she met her current, lovely boyfriend.

She had a list of warning signs to watch for in men she considered players. She knew. She had “done” a few. Actually, she has a name for men who date on  the side without his wife knowing – the creepy marrieds. Almost every single woman I know (and that includes me) has dealt with the advances of married men. But what happens when they don’t make it known that they are married?

Ah, well, here’s a tip sheet:

1) If they often make the excuse that they have to work late and can’t see you, dump ‘em. (She talks like that, this friend of mine. She makes dump ‘em sound like something a truck driver would shout to his mates about some lousy bricks he found in a back alley.)The “work late” excuse, if used regularly, could very well mean that Wifey wants him home or that his other girlfriend needed to see him.

2) If they do not take you away for a weekend within two months of dating, dump ‘em. They can’t get away for a weekend, because they live with someone else! Surprise!! That Someone Else would wonder where the hell they are – and call the cellphone! Hello?

3) If they never invite you over to their house, dump ‘em.(She discovered that one guy she was dating was not only married but that his wife had a baby on the way. He took my friend out for several months, but never invited her to his house. She later realized why – after hearing from a casual friend of his, whom she happened to know, that he had a lovely wife at home, in there with her pot roast and a bun in the oven.)

4) If he goes days on end , a week, without emailing you back, dump ‘em. In the age of Blackberry, it’s easy to return an email. And I’m not saying that the email back has to be all gushy and interested. If he’s not that into you, so be it, but a simple reply, out of courtesy, is nice. And if he doesn’t do that, something is up. I once dated a guy who went silent for a week without returning an email, and then finally responded saying that his company server had gone down, This guy was an investment counsellor with tons of clients all across the country. Somehow, I doubted that his Blackberry/email service would be down for a week. But I didn’t say anything to him. Later, I found out that he had been in Mexico with another woman.

I know there are Ms. Datebooks out there, too. I have a friend who keeps three lovers on the go. None of the men know about the others. She has recently come out of a difficult marriage and just can’t commit to anyone right now, not even in an exclusive relationship.  She wants to have sex, and lots of it with different men. Oh, and a little dinner thrown in for good measure.

And another girlfriend of mine has two boyfriends, in different cities. I have to say, when I heard these stories, I felt a little sorry for these unsuspecting guys.

I find it all a bit icky, really. Why can’t people be honest with one another? That’s one of the beauties of being older, isn’t it? That you can say what you feel, and in such a way, that you don’t unduly hurt someone else?

I wish.